The transcript for A Loud House Christmas.
It was Christmas Eve, and Lisa was dreading her siblings coming over. It was a Loud family tradition that no matter what, every sibling spent Christmas together.
Lisa (to herself): I guess they're bound to come any moment now.
Hugh Jr and Alicia entered.
Hugh Jr: Mom, what will I get for Christmas?
Lisa: Meh, I don't know. Besides, it's supposed to be a surprise.
Alicia: Hugh Jr, everyone knows Santa hasn't even arrived yet.
Hugh Jr: Yeah... About that...
Lisa: Who even told you about Santa, anyways, Alicia?
Alicia: Oh, lots of people. Aunt Lori, Aunt Leni, Aunt Lola, Dad, Uncle Lincoln, Darcy, and well, you know... Aunt Lily.
Lisa: Oh, how nifty. You know he doesn't actually -
The doorbell rang.
Lisa: Great. That must be them.
Lisa opened the door.
Lincoln: Okay, so we've come over to celebrate, but one thing before we do...
Lucy: Silas and I are due to get married tomorrow on Christmas. I told him we should wait a little bit, but...
Lisa: Oh, by all means, Lucy. Get married... Again. I don't care if you skip the tradition.
Lucy: I won't do that. I've come to celebrate with you and spend the night.
Lily: We all have.
Lisa: All ten of you? In this house! There simply isn't enough room!
Lola: Exactly what I've been telling you guys EVERY YEAR!
Lisa: See, Lola gets it.
All the siblings then entered the living room.
Lisa: Sorry this house isn't to your liking, Lola. The holidays are really stressful.
Lola: Oh, it's okay, Lisa. At least it isn't a pigsty like Lana's house. That's one house I'll never go to again.
Lana: You drop one mud pie on the floor and suddenly the house is a pigsty.
Lola: It's not just one mud pie! Geez!
Lisa: To be honest, I’m just not feeling the Christmas spirit this year.
Lily: LISA! Why - why would you say that?
Lisa: It's you guys! You ALWAYS have to come visit every year. Do you WANT my hair to turn gray before I'm 60?
Lincoln: No, but...
Lynn: Ya got any food? I've ran a mile yesterday and I need to fuel up for my new Christmas dash to the post office.
Leni: I thought the post office was all the way across town...
Lori: It is. Lynn, you literally can't be serious!
Lynn: I am. So, Lis, got any food?
Lisa rolled her eyes.
Lisa: Of course I do...
Lynn's face lit up.
Lisa: But... I'm saving it for tonight. But you can have an apple.
Lisa went to the kitchen and tossed Lynn an apple.
Lynn: Eh, good enough. Fruit fuels me too.
Lynn started eating the apple.
Luna: Well, I had come back from a Christmas concert with Mick Swagger. Remember that Christmas carol we all sang at Mr. Grouse's house years back?
Luna: "That's What Christmas is All About" really inspired people to stop thinking of themselves!
Lisa zoned out a bit.
Lisa: Yeah, right...
Luan: Well, I remember my 12 puns of Christmas. In fact, I'll just start them up again!
Lisa face palmed.
Lisa: Luan, I'd rather you didn't.
Luan ignored Lisa.
Luan: What's that, Lis? I can holly hear you!
Lisa rolled her eyes.
Lisa: Yeah, you are totally not helping.
Hugh Jr and Alicia came in.
Hugh Jr: Tell Alicia that her claims of Santa existing are crazy!
Lisa: Actually, you -
Lola: Hang on. Santa IS real. What explains the fact that I got coal every Christmas since I was 7 until I turned 18?
Lisa: Oh, that was just a little prank I pulled on you. There's no Santa.
Lola's face turned red in anger.
Lisa: What? It was hilarious seeing your disappointed face after seeing that you got coal instead of that pretty pink princess makeup set you've wanted every. single. year.
Lola: Mom and Dad should have gotten it for me if you didn't!
Lisa: Hmmm... They didn't since I told them not to get you anything those years. I tricked them into thinking that I was going to give you something. And I did. Just not the something they were expecting.
Lola: Why, you little -
Lincoln: Come on now! No fighting over the holidays.
Lisa and Lola pointed at each other.
Lisa and Lola (in unison): She started it.
Luan: You guys arguing makes no frankincense!
Lisa: Seriously Luan?
Lola: No, really...
Luan: But seriously, cut it out!
Hugh came into the living room.
Hugh: Has anyone seen the figgy pudding?
Luan: Look at Hugh getting figgy with it!
Lisa: That makes 0 sense. Luan, stop the 12 puns of Christmas. They're annoying.
Luan held up a ribbon.
Luan: Just ribbon ya!
Lisa: With lame jokes aside, have we all got our presents for our secret sibling Santa?
Lincoln: I do!
Lisa: Okay, we should all put these under the tree now.
Lisa put her present under the tree. Lola was her secret Santa, and Lisa used it to prank Lola with coal again.
The rest of the siblings all put their secret Santa presents under the tree.
Hours later, all the siblings stayed for dinner.
Lisa: How'd everyone like the dinner?
Lincoln: It was great.
Lori: Maybe a little bland.
Lisa looked at her kids.
Lisa: Well, it looks like it's time for you two to get ready for bed.
Hugh Jr: Okay.
Hugh Jr and Alicia left the room and went to the bathroom.
Hugh Jr: Alicia, you have to know that Santa doesn't really exist. Earlier, while Mom was preparing dinner, I snuck in a camera in the tree.
Hugh Jr: That would once and for all prove to the world that Santa never existed and never will.
Alicia: But, you know what some very reliable people said...
Hugh Jr: Dad was just trying to get in the Christmas spirit, and well, Mom's siblings and Darcy don't really have a good sense of reality.
Alicia: If ya say so...
They then both went to their rooms.
Meanwhile, Lisa was making space for her siblings to sleep.
Her siblings entered.
Lisa: Okay, so you all will have to fit in the living room. I got nothing else for you. And I certainly don't want any of you to sleep with me.
Lori: Okay. People say I'M bossy, but Lisa, how do you literally suggest we sleep on the FLOOR?
Lisa: Relax. I got air mattresses.
Lincoln: How did you get 10 air mattresses?
Lisa: Easy. I got one and I cloned it 9 more times.
Lola: Seems like an odd, pointless choice. Ya could have just bought ten air mattresses.
Lisa: I don't have that kind of money.
Lola: And you had enough for a cloning machine? Really now?
Lisa: I invented it from scratch and you know it.
Lincoln: I think it's clever.
Lisa: Okay, good night, you guys.
Lisa went to her room. Hugh was already in bed.
Lisa: This Christmas might not be so bad after all.
Hugh: Of course it's not. Good night. I'll see you in the morning.
Hugh fell asleep just as Lisa fell asleep.
The next morning arrived.
Hugh Jr and Alicia woke up early to open their presents.
They went to the living room where Lisa's siblings were still sleeping.
Lucy awoke as she heard Hugh Jr and Alicia start to open their presents.
Lucy: Hang on, don't you two want to wait for your parents?
Hugh Jr: Oh yeah...
Lincoln: No worries, I'll go wake them.
Alicia: Be gentle, uncle Lincoln. When my mom gets forcibly woken up, she kicks them right in the stomach.
Lincoln: Oh, I know. That happened to Mom when she woke Lisa up for her first day of kindergarten when she was still half asleep.
Alicia: Alright then.
Lincoln went into Lisa and Hugh's room and shook the bed.
Lisa (half asleep): Lincoln?
Lisa grabbed her glasses.
Lincoln: Sorry! I wanted you to come to the living room.
Hugh (half asleep): Now? Me too?
Lincoln: Yep. Both of you.
Lisa and Hugh trudged to the living room with Lincoln in front of them.
Hugh Jr: Finally, you guys are awake!
Alicia: Yeah! I got you a present, Mom.
Alicia handed Lisa a big box.
Lisa: Hmmm... I wonder.
Lisa opened the present.
Lisa: How nice... It's... broken metal and junk.
Alicia: Aunt Lana helped. She knows how much you like to invent things out of junk parts of different objects.
Lisa: Hmm... I could make that mind control robot I always wanted...
Hugh: Say what now?
Lisa grinned sheepishly.
Hugh Jr: I have some proof of a lifetime that's of importance.
Hugh Jr got out the camera that recorded everything in the night.
Hugh Jr projected it on the TV.
Hugh Jr: This is the proof that Santa doesn't exist.
Hugh Jr turned on the tape.
Hugh Jr: Behold!
On the tape, Hugh got up and started wrapping all the presents and stuck them under the tree.
Hugh Jr: So see, Alicia. Dad actually was the one who got the presents and wrapped them perfectly and stuck them under the tree. No Santa involved.
Alicia: So, it's true? Dad, you told me Santa exists.
Hugh: I did. But that's just what my mother has always told me and that's what I then told all my younger sisters, too. Boy were they surprised when they found out there was no such thing.
Alicia: You... You lied to me!
Alicia then ran to her room crying.
Lisa: Now look what you did, Hugh! This is why we always just say the truth.
Hugh: I gotta fix this.
Hugh went to Alicia's room.
Alicia: Go away...
Hugh: I apologize. I know how much you believed it.
Alicia: It makes me no better than mom's stupid friend.
Hugh: Excuse me?
Alicia: Mom told me that her friend Darcy has always believed in Santa and still does.
Hugh: Ah. But I admit it was half of my fault.
Alicia: Let's just go out and open presents.
Hugh: Okay. I'd like that.
Alicia and Hugh went back to the living room.
In the living room, Lola opened her secret Santa present.
Lola saw coal.
Lola: UGH! Coal! Why? Who?
Lisa manically laughed.
Lola: LISAAAAA!!! YOU WILL PAY!
Lisa: Just try to catch me!
Lisa ran out the door maniacally laughing.
Luan: Well, I guess that just WRAPS things up!
The rest of the siblings groaned.