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The transcript for Loud-Sanity!.

Transcript:

It was just a really quiet day.

Lisa was peacefully working on her science experiments.

Until...

Lisa got 10 emails from each of her siblings.

Lisa: Ugh. Delete, delete, delete, delete.

Moments later, all of her siblings arrived at her house.

Lincoln: Sorry to bug you, sis, but this is urgent...

Lisa: What do you guys want? Couldn't you see I was in the middle of an experiment?

Lincoln: All of our sisters are ganging up on ME because I might've revealed some secrets that I kept as a kid...

Lori: It wasn't SOME secrets. Lincoln CLAIMED he knew what happened to Lucy's great grandma Harriet keepsakes...

Lincoln: All I said, Lori, was Lisa might've shredded them.

Lisa: WHAT? I don't remember doing that.

Lucy: Well, I remember Lincoln said that he was gone for the entire day ON MY BIRTHDAY just to stand in line with Clyde for a new Ace Savvy comic.

Lincoln: IT WAS A RARE EDITION!!

Lola: But NOTHING is worse than when Lana stole MY place in a beauty pageant! That's MY thing!

Lana: You had a broken leg! How would you expect to compete??

Lola: UGH! Injured beauty queens exist!

Lana (scoff): Really?

Lola: Well... HOW am I supposed to know?

Lily: Well, NOTHING'S worse than what happened when I was a baby...

Lisa: If you're really going to bring up the fact that I shredded up your little baby blanket... Let it go, you're a grown woman.

Lily: Not that! I'm talking about when Lincoln HAD to go to the arcade at the mall when he was SUPPOSED to be babysitting me! He and Clyde were having fun, when I was stranded at home with Mr. Grouse, who wouldn't STOP obsessing over Dad's Lynnsagna!

Lynn: And everyone knew about my competitive attitude and they didn't bother to change that!

Luan: Like you even wanted to be less competitive...

Lynn: True, but I would expect SOME siblings to actually CARE...

Lisa: Nobody cares. Now, please. Stop fighting like children and leave. Now. And stop dragging ME in ALL your problems.

Lincoln: We can't help it! You're the smartest sibling. We need rational advice.

Lori: Or we'd be literally at each other’s throats forever!

Lisa rolled her eyes.

Lisa: Okay... Look, I have to get back to my experiments. I intend to show one of them to my colleagues at the hospital.

Lincoln: But they're all mad at me for saying that Lori ditched her siblings when she first fell in love with Bobby, that Leni broke my model spaceship and buried it in Mr. Grouse's backyard, then blamed Lola during her podcast that she was working on for her pageants, also that Luna made everyone go temporarily deaf in 1 ear for a month, and that Luan has secretly been making dirty jokes about us to her friends, and that LYNN broke my priceless Ace Savvy collectible action figure, and that Lucy used all my old comic books for some dumb black magic ritual, and to top it all off, Lana, Lola, and Lily all had a tea party IN MY ROOM while I was sleeping over at Clyde's. Of course, how I'd possibly know THAT one, is that they left the evidence - mud EVERYWHERE, tea sets all over my bed, and Lily's dirty diapers.

Lily rolled her eyes.

Lily: I was only a baby, Lana and Lola's room got trashed somehow, and they forced me to have a stupid tea party with them!

Lola: Our room was only trashed because LINCOLN was super suspicious on who took Bun-Bun. So he tore up every siblings' room and trashed it trying to look for that stuffed rabbit!

Lincoln: Still to this day, I couldn't find him!

Lisa: He's long gone now. I shredded him to bits while you were at your dumb sleepover with CHANDLER the last day!

Lincoln: ARE YOU KIDDING ME, LISA?!

Lisa smirked.

Lisa: Well, I guess my psychology experiment did work that day. What does it take to make one certain white haired 11 year old miserable? And of course, losing Bun-Bun, well... Let's just say, I won that day.

Lincoln: YOU MONSTER!

Lisa: Thank you. But you ALL should work everything else out and QUIT bringing up stuff I did to start even MORE arguments.

Lincoln: Okay! YOU help us and we will NOT bug you ANYMORE. We'll only come over for Thanksgiving, Christmas, and whenever YOU invite us.

Lisa rolled her eyes. Like she was going to believe THAT.

Lisa: Ugh. Fine. Just DON'T bother me during my wedding anniversary with Hugh next spring.

Lincoln: We won't.

Lily: Wouldn't dream of it.

Lori: Sure, Bobby Boo-Boo Bear and I are going to the fanciest restaurant near the Bodega for OUR anniversary next Spring.

Leni: And I'll be at the mall with Chaz!

Lynn: Well, I don't NEED dumb anniversaries. I was going to go to the gym.

Lana: Well, I won't bug you even if I wanted to!

Lola: Besides, Lisa, you and Hugh will probably be at some cheap place I wouldn't be caught dead in.

Lucy: Sigh. Simply put, we all have other things to do then.

Lisa: Thank you. But, please. I dunno if you guys are ready for my super frank advice.

Lincoln: We are! So just, PLEASE HELP US!

Lisa: Fine. But I'll need to see everyone individually. From youngest to oldest, so Lily, you come to my room with me.

Lisa and Lily left the living room and headed to Lisa's room.

Lisa: So, I understand that ALL of our siblings are causing fights... Bringing up EVERYTHING you did when you were just a baby?

Lily: YES! I couldn't HELP that I pooped a lot, or threw my dirty diapers everywhere! I've always looked up to you, Lisa, and now I'm pretty much who I want to be! But our siblings DON'T stop focusing on the past!

Lisa: So, is it correct that you want a change?

Lily: Yes.

Lisa: Good. And, I'm sorry about shredding your blankie. I just thought it was funny seeing you miserable.

Lisa (under her breath): And I still do.

Lily: What was that?

Lisa: Ah, nothing. Except I'm sorry for shredding your blankie.

Lily: Ah, that's okay... I wouldn't even had used it past 5 years old, so...

Lisa and Lily hugged.

Moments later, Lisa had Lola come in her room with her.

Lisa: So, I understand that you're upset at Lana for stealing your spot in a beauty pageant years ago...

Lola: YES! Even though I was injured, I STILL could have competed!

Lisa: Actually -

Lola: And LINCOLN thought it would just be a GREAT idea for Lana to replace me... LANA! She ruined my pageant image by ARM FARTING in front of the judges... And then SHE WON! That wasn't fair! Especially since I put SO much work in these pageants. Throwing tantrums so Mom gets me all the expensive gowns... Sabotaging Lindsey Sweetwater... Doing my make-up to the TENS so I win... And so, so much more! But LANA just won the pageant by doing some dumb arm fart dance with no coaching, no discipline, and even no foul play! It sickens me!

Lisa: Maybe you should understand Lana's perspective. That she looks exactly like you. So hey, she could pass off AS you in a beauty pageant. So she did when LINCOLN had asked her to. And turned out, she actually liked it, because she won.

Lola: Hmmm. Maybe you're right. But I still don't like how she stole my crown.

Lisa: You two could actually have shared it. That way, you still would have gotten the crown.

Lola's eyes widened.

Lola: You're RIGHT! Thanks Lisa!

Moments later, Lola left, and Lana came in.

Lisa: So, I understand you were upset at Lola for blaming you for stealing her spot on her pageant.

Lana: I was. I didn't even WANT to participate. But Lincoln had this great idea for ME to fill in for Lola when she broke her leg.

Lisa: Okay... But you eventually started to like it... Am I right?

Lana: Yes. But that was only at the end. I did a fun little arm fart dance that impressed the judges. Ya wanna see?

Lana began to do her arm fart dance until Lisa stopped her.

Lisa: Uh, no. But, please... Arm farting in a beauty pageant?

Lisa rolled her eyes.

Lisa: That's so juvenile.

Lana: I know, but it was the only way I could express MYself when it was time for the talent portion of the competition.

Lisa: That's true, but maybe you should have asked Lola's permission.

Lana: I could have... But I didn't know how Lola would’ve taken it.

Lisa: She would’ve been cool with it if you had asked...

Lisa paused.

Lisa: NAH! It's Lola after all!

Lana looked worried.

Lisa: But you could’ve also told her you weren't trying to steal her thunder... That you don't even really like the whole pageant scene. She'd understand that.

Lana: Perhaps. Lola HAS seen me arm fart, eat my snot, hold poop, among many other inappropriate things for a beauty pageant!

Lisa: There you go.

Moments later, it was Lucy's turn.

Lucy: Sigh. So Lincoln was all furious at me for making his comic books into something for a Satanic ritual.

Lisa: REALLY? I wouldn't had guessed.

Lucy: Well, it was Halloween. And I wanted to resurrect great grandma Harriet... I couldn't use her actual pictures because SOMEBODY shredded them...

Lisa rolled her eyes.

Lisa: Look, I'm sorry about that, but proceed.

Lucy: Sigh. I saw a female supervillain in one of Lincoln's comic books who looked exactly like Great Grandma Harriet. So I used her so I can resurrect the one who made me who I am. I wanted to see how proud great grandma Harriet would be of me.

Lisa face palmed.

Lisa: That wasn't wise. And you can't resurrect anything or anyone. It's scientifically impossible. Maybe if I hadn't shredded up your dumb pictures, you could still see what she looks like and cherish those memories.

Lucy: But why did you?

Lisa: Let's just say, I overheard Lincoln and Lynn talking about how impossible it is for you to actually cry. Since, well, Lynn had a theory that you were a soccer ball, and Lincoln thought you were a robot. So, I told them that it's actually quite easy to make you cry. So moments later, I obtained every picture of great grandma Harriet while you were hanging out with Silas, and well... I shredded them in my paper shredder, and then burned them in the fireplace to discard the evidence so you wouldn't know it was me.

Lucy started to cry.

Lucy: But why? Why would you do something like that?

Lisa: Because I wanted to see you cry so I could prove to Lincoln and Lynn that you're an actual human being.

Lucy: Wow.

Lisa: But look on the bright side, you can actually eat like everyone else. Lincoln and Lynn have seen you eat... Right?

Lucy: I guess so. But sigh. Now I don't think I can forgive you...

Lisa: Oh boy... NEXT SIBLING!

Lucy left crying as Lincoln came in.

Lincoln: What was THAT all about?

Lisa (satisfied): Let's just say you no longer think of her as a robot NOW.

Lincoln: I-I-I don't think Lucy's a robot!

Lisa: Then what explains your conversation with Lynn?

Lincoln: I dunno, but wait - aren't you supposed to be helping us SOLVE our problems? Looks to me like you're trying to START new ones!

Lisa rolled her eyes.

Lisa: Nope. Also, tell me why you spilled those secrets about your sisters.

Lincoln started to fidget with his tie.

Lisa: Uh, I'm waiting.

Lincoln stopped fidgeting.

Lincoln: OKAY! It was because all of our other sisters were sharing secrets about their friends and their life. So I decided to share all I knew of what got us to fight as a kid. The fact that we all had kept secrets. I was hoping to have an open conversation. But you know our sisters! They're like animals!

Lisa: Yes, I'm well aware. But did you HAVE to choose the bad secrets to share? Maybe you could have chose something more positive.

Lincoln: Hmmm. Maybe you're right. Maybe I could’ve shared to them that Chandler and I actually became friends due to Lola's story after she became friends with Lindsey Sweetwater and Lana's story after she became friends with Lucas, Marcus, Mike, and Gus. Or I could’ve shared that I helped Leni with her English homework by giving her an audio book. Leni thought it had music, but she later saw all the facts on Shakespeare and the play of Romeo and Juliet. Coincidentally, THAT was what the assignment was, and she got an A. I could’ve shared things like THAT. Not things that caused fights. Thanks, Lisa. You actually do give good advice.

Lisa: Thanks, but you did most of the talking. Lincoln, you're way smarter than you think. Maybe I underestimated you before.

Lincoln: Thanks Lis!

Lincoln left.

Moments later, Lynn came in.

Lynn: I get it. I get it. I'm a horrible sister.

Lisa: What? No, you're -

Lynn: I am. I roughhouse too much. I get on people's nerves. Heck, remember that time the whole family kicked Lincoln out when they thought he was bad luck? They never would have thought that if I hadn't told Lincoln that he was going to ruin my sports games.

Lisa: Ha. I thought that was because he was being a manipulative little jerk, and we all taught him a lesson.

Lynn: It was part of that... But I accept full blame. I'm selfish, rude, and crude.

Lisa: Now, Lynn...

Lynn: It's true.

Lisa: No. What's true is that you get over-excited and that you can't control your competitive attitude and need to win. You're not rude. You just are really over-confident. Now, while that's not always a good thing, it can be if you add smarts to it. If you're smart and competitive, you'd sabotage any team or player you hate to win the game.

Lynn: Well, I have always hated Betsy, especially when she broke my leg. I guess I could've sabotaged her as revenge.

Lisa smirked.

Lisa: There you go.

Lynn: And I'm sorry if I annoyed YOU before...

Lisa looked confused.

Lynn: Remember when I beat you at chess and bragged about it in your face?

Lisa: Yeah?

Lynn: Ya flipped the table and said that there's no way an idiot like me could win at chess after I bragged.

Lisa: I remember that! Look, I just didn't like that you bragged like that. I get it. You're undefeated, but really, you need to stop bragging so much.

Lynn: Eh, I'll try. But it's gonna be hard.

Lisa: It just takes practice.

Lynn nodded and left.

Luan entered.

Lisa: So, I understand that you've been telling dirty jokes to your friends about our other siblings... Correct?

Luan: Yeah, but that's only because I was trying to impress Maggie after Lincoln had stated she hated his clowning.

Lisa: And?

Luan: Well, I wanted to be friends with her since I knew she liked comedy like me... Although, in different forms.

Lisa: So?

Luan: So... After I told Maggie that I had 10 siblings, Maggie laughed and asked me to tell her about them. So, I did. In the way I could do best. By telling jokes. Maggie thought some of them were lame. Until, I came to her with my best slam-jokes. I told Maggie in joke form ALL the BAD stuff on my siblings!

Lisa: But why?

Luan: Because, when THAT happened, Maggie's friends thought I was funny. Then Benny. Then, well, my entire class, and then my entire grade... Then the entire school.

Lisa: Oh boy... If you want to make friends... Future reference, be yourself. I learned that the hard way when Lincoln and his buddies wanted me to change so I'd fit in at fifth grade when I was transferred there. I changed, hated it, and then went back to kindergarten and met David and Darcy who like me for who I am.

Luan: Yeah. I know that now. After I made that mistake, I showed Maggie and Benny the real me, and they were cool with it. I just wish I didn't make fun of anyone in my family.

Lisa: Yeah, I wish you didn't either. But good to see that you'll embrace being your funny, nice self.

Luan smiled and left.

Luna entered.

Lisa: So you're here cause all our siblings were mad at you for deafening them...

Luna: Well, I couldn't help that I was practicing my jams near them!

Lisa: It was dinner, and everyone was eating.

Luna: A little meal-time music.

Lisa: More like tinnitus at dinner...

Luna looked offended.

Lisa: Okay, so what even caused your love for rock music anyways? I know it had to do something with Mick Swagger, but I don't know the full story...

Luna: Well, it all started one "hot June night", as Mick put it, when I was 9 years old... I was at a Mick Swagger concert... And it was magical. That was where I met Sam, too. We both got actually MEET Mick Swagger backstage. He signed our shirts, and that's when I knew rock and roll was my destiny - since he also said something very important... Dream big, and you can soar high. That's when it hit me. I was always really good at music, so I could be a musician. Rock music just happened to be my jam after Mick Swagger's concert.

Lisa dozed off.

Lisa: W-what?

Luna: UGH! Did you even listen?

Lisa: Sorry! Your story just got a bit boring... But, please. Tell me why you had to play during dinner, deafening all of us in 1 ear?

Luna: I was practicing, and I wanted to show ya my precious jams!

Lisa: Okay... Fine, this might be harder than I thought...

Lisa took a deep breath.

Lisa: Luna, please just apologize for playing your music really loud, okay?

Luna: Okay, sis. Anything you want.

Luna left.

Lisa (to herself): Great. Now for Leni and Lori. Geez...

Leni came in.

Lisa: Leni, so I understand you broke Lincoln's model spaceship and threw it in Mr. Grouse's trashcan and then FRAMED Lola while she was working on a podcast? Why would you do that?

Leni: Look, I might've just tripped on it, okay? And I threw it in Mr. Grouse's trashcan cause I totes hate littering! And, I didn't frame Lola, okay? I admitted it, remember? But then I panicked when Lincoln questioned me, and then I said it was Lola to defuse Lincoln's anger.

Lisa: Really? I don't think you actually admitted it.

Leni: I have Lola's podcast still saved on my phone.

Lisa: Okay. I wanna hear it...

Leni turned on the podcast.

Lola (from podcast): Now dearies, I have a treat for you. My pageant gowns!!

From the podcast, Lola's door opened.

Lincoln (from podcast): Tell me WHY my model spaceship is in Mr. Grouse's trashcan crushed to smithereens?

Lola (from podcast): DO YOU MIND? I AM ON THE AIR!

From the podcast, Leni came in.

Leni (from podcast): Lincoln, I was listening to the podcast. I actually broke your model plane. I'm supes sorry!

Lincoln (from podcast): WHAT???

Leni (from podcast): Oh, did I say me? I meant... Lola broke it!

Lola (from podcast): Why, you little....

From the podcast, Lola took a deep breath.

Lola (from podcast): That's all we have time for today. Keep subscribing and keep listening! Lola OUT!

Leni turned off her phone.

Leni: So, there you have it. I admitted it, but got flustered, okay?

Lisa: Gadzooks. So you're right. Please, just tell Lincoln everything you told me.

Leni: Will do.

Leni left.

Finally, Lori came in.

Lori was texting on her phone.

Lisa: Lori, please put that away.

Lori ignored her.

Lisa: LORI!

Lori ignored her again.

Lisa grabbed Lori's phone and threw it across the room.

Lori: HEY!

Lisa: THIS is important! All our siblings were in a big fight because Lincoln revealed their secrets! So, TELL ME, why'd you ditch your siblings for BOBBY?

Lori: Okay, first off, I didn't ditch you or anyone else for Bobby Boo-Boo Bear... I wanted Bobby to meet my family for our first date, but all Bobby could say was, "Babe, moving too fast, there?" So, Bobby and I just went to the movies together, and I forgot to tell everyone. Months later, things DID get more serious, but I didn't think to tell you guys. And then... Bobby met everyone, and here we are today!

Lisa rolled her eyes.

Lisa: And that's the reason I split you two up. Not to mention your constant texting.

Lori: About that... WHAT were you thinking?

Lisa: Well, you always ignored me especially, Lori. Texting when I was tutoring you. When I asked you a simple question on aerodynamics, you ignored me, and kept texting. And not to mention, when you drove me to the museum, you STOPPED Vanzilla every 5 seconds on the road to text Bobby! The museum was CLOSED when we finally got there!

Lori: Okay, okay... I'm sorry about that.

Lisa: Your obsession with phones, Bobby, and texting is just WAY too much and has gone WAY too far.

Lori: Says you! YOU'RE obsessed with science, Hugh, and making everyone miserable!

Lisa: For one, science is productive, secondly, have you SEEN Hugh, and thirdly, I wanna make certain people suffer as they made ME suffer. Happy?

Lori: Okay.... But please... You should get me. I helped you get potty trained.

Lisa: False. I did that by myself.

Lori: Okay... I taught you how to ride a bike...

Lisa: False again.

Lori: Okay... I gave you your first cell phone.

Lisa: THAT was an OLD phone! I couldn't have many of the same features that the newest phone that you got had!

Lori: Oh, but didn't you reprogram it?

Lisa stopped.

Lisa: Oh yeah, you're right... Heh. Darcy was such a crying fool when she thought I had a phone that hasn't even come out yet. I even became the most popular kid in my whole grade cause of that.

Lori: So see, I gave you an old phone because I thought you'd do something amazing with it. And you did.

Lisa: I guess you're right. Thank you.

Lori: You're welcome.

Lisa: I'm still not sorry for splitting up you and Bobby.

Lori: Wait - what?

Lisa grinned sheepishly.

Lisa: Heh, nothing....

Lori rolled her eyes.

Lisa: Come over here!

Lisa hugged Lori.

Lori: Wow.

Lisa: I know. I'm not used to that.

Lori left the room.

Lisa shortly entered the living room to see all her siblings hugging and making up.

Lincoln: Thanks to you, Lis, we're a family again!

Lucy: We couldn't had done it without you.

Lana: Of course, I bet we've all forgotten what we were arguing about.

Leni: I sure have!

Lily: Sushi family dinner is on me!

The siblings came running out the door.

Lily: Ya coming, Lis?

Lisa: Nah. I think I'll call it a day.

Lily: Okay! Suit yourself.

Lily left.

Lisa (to herself): Ah... Now for some peace and quiet.