The transcript for Mom's Little Schemers.
It was just a rainy Saturday.
Lisa was bored with her usual attempts to ruin Darcy's life, yet Darcy still has the delusion that she and Lisa are best friends.
Nothing ever worked.
Hugh Jr and Alicia came rushing into Lisa’s room.
Hugh Jr: Mom! I just got an A in my English essay!
Lisa looked uninterested.
Lisa: Great job...
Alicia: And I just saved up enough money to get that new American girl doll!
Lisa looked uninterested again.
Alicia: Okay, what gives, Mom? Usually you're happy for me.
Hugh Jr: UH. And ME!
Lisa: I'm sorry... I just have a lot on my mind.
Hugh Jr: What's wrong?
Lisa: Well... Darcy still never just truly suffers. I do everything I can. Have David marry her to ruin her life, frame her for petty crimes, ruin her chances to attend college, sabotage her driver's license, shred Raffo, EVERYTHING. And yet, she still thinks we're best friends forever. I want some way to make her miserable so she no longer thinks of me as her best friend.
Hugh Jr: So you want Darcy to go from your friend... To your enemy?
Lisa: Well... Not really, but...
Alicia: I'm so confused.
Lisa: No need to be confused. But you can help your mommy make Darcy miserable.
Alicia looked at Hugh Jr with doubt.
Alicia: And why would we do that?
Hugh Jr: Yeah. Darcy’s your problem. Not ours.
Alicia: And I actually like Darcy. She's nice.
Lisa rolled her eyes.
Lisa: You're missing the point. If you can do this for me, Alicia, I'll give you that American girl doll without having to spend all that money. And Hugh Jr, I'll assist you with any science experiment you want if you can do this for me.
Hugh Jr and Alicia's eyes widened.
With that American girl doll, Alicia finally could play dolls with Ashley without feeling left out.
Hugh Jr liked that idea of Lisa helping him with his science experiments. Maybe he can finally make time-travel a legitimate possibility.
Hugh Jr: Okay.
Alicia: We'll do it!
Lisa: Perfect! Now all I need you to do is just go over to Darcy's house and spy on her.
Hugh Jr: Okay. But what if we're not back in time?
Lisa: Then I'll go over to her house and gather any dirt on her myself.
Alicia: So, what do we do when we don't find what you're looking for?
Lisa: Just... Dig deeper. There's gotta be something going on with Darcy that I can use to my advantage.
Hugh Jr: Okay. We'll do it.
Alicia: I'm ready.
Lisa: Good, cause what you'll need are some notebooks, and x-ray glasses. Oh, and cell phones. Which, I've invented my own x-ray glasses that you two can use. But beware, some things just aren't meant to be revealed, so be careful. And I have two old hand-me down phones that Lori "threw out" years ago. You understand the plan?
Hugh Jr: Of course.
Moments later, with all of Lisa's equipment, Hugh Jr and Alicia reached Darcy's house.
They noticed that David's car was missing.
They rang the doorbell.
Darcy: Hugh Jr! Alicia! Hi! Is your mom here? I wanna hang out with her.
Hugh Jr: No, we actually wanted to see you.
Alicia: Yeah. It's not every day your friend's kids come to hang out with you, is it, now, Darcy?
Darcy: Uh. I guess. But I really wanted to see Lisa. Ya see, David is out of town. Some kind of young genius convention that he had to speak at. But, please. Come right in.
Hugh Jr wrote down what Darcy said about David being out of town.
Alicia looked through her x-ray glasses in all of Darcy's drawers.
Darcy: So, you've seen the living room, correct?
Hugh Jr: Yeah.
Darcy: But what I've never shown ANYONE was, well… My closet.
Darcy went to her room and opened up her closet.
In the closet was a giraffe toy.
Darcy: I admit it. I'm crazy for giraffe toys. For some reason, ever since I was a kid, I ALWAYS kept losing them. I named every single one "Raffo” and it's a really cute name. I kept this giraffe toy since I was 14 and I never told anyone. Not even Lisa.
Hugh Jr wrote that info down.
Darcy: I'd hate for something to happen to it. Especially when I've lost so many before.
Alicia: Would you say... You'd be miserable?
Darcy: YES! Very miserable! I wouldn't sleep for days! I'd just be so full of tears... And... Well... You know. But please DON'T tell anyone about this. I mean it!
Hugh Jr wrote this down, grinned, and whispered to Alicia.
Hugh Jr: Think this is the dirt Mom was looking for?
Alicia (whispering): Yeah. This has to be it.
Hugh Jr: So so sorry, Darcy. My mom wants us to head home now. She wants Alicia to finish her homework, and I need to help her.
Darcy: I understand! I hope to see you again soon! And tell your mom I said hi!
Hugh Jr and Alicia made it home.
Lisa: Wow! That was fast. What did you find?
Hugh Jr: Well... Darcy's obsessed with giraffes.
Lisa: I know that. What else?
Alicia: Well... Darcy actually has a stuffed giraffe named Raffo.
Lisa: Know that too. But wait… I thought I shredded that dang giraffe years ago! Back in kindergarten to be precise!
Hugh Jr: Nope. She got more. And more. And more throughout the years. Look what I have written down.
Lisa saw Hugh Jr's notebook.
Lisa: Gadzooks! Why hasn't she told me?
Alicia: Maybe it's cause you were going to shred the only one she has. Speaking of which, I feel dirty... I can't do this.
Lisa: Ha! Of course you can! I'll just kidnap that stuffed giraffe toy and replace it with my giraffe cerebrum I had since kindergarten.
Hugh Jr: But won't Darcy know the difference?
Lisa: PLEASE! She's a 4 year old trapped in a 34 year old's body! Of course she wouldn't know the difference!
Hugh Jr: If you say so...
Lisa: Trust me. It's a foolproof plan.
Moments later, Lisa headed to Darcy's house.
Darcy opened the door.
Darcy: LISA! What a surprise. Do you want to have lunch together? I made PB&J just like you like them!
Lisa: Sure. But PB&J? I'm not 5 anymore. I like better foods.
Darcy looked sad.
Darcy: Oh... You'll still eat it... Won't you?
Lisa: Actually, I'm not too hungry... BUT we could catch up...
Darcy: OKAY! What have you been up to?
Lisa: Well, I went to a rock concert with Luna... And... I have to go to the bathroom.
Darcy: Okay. The nicest bathroom is in my room! Just clean up when you're done!
Lisa: Got it!
Lisa really wasn't going to the bathroom. Instead, she looked in Darcy's closet for the stuffed giraffe.
Sure enough, Lisa found it.
Lisa left Darcy's room.
Darcy noticed Lisa leaving in a hurry.
Lisa hid the Raffo giraffe behind her back.
Darcy: Hey, wait. Don't go yet.
Lisa: Nah. I got to help Hugh Jr and Alicia with their homework. And I need to make dinner too, since Hugh’s working overtime at the community college.
Darcy: Very well! See ya again soon?
Lisa: We live across the street. Of course I'll see you again!
Lisa made it home with the stuffed giraffe.
Hugh Jr and Alicia looked at it with awe.
Hugh Jr: So you finally got it?
Lisa: Yep. Safe to say, this giraffe will be murdered, basically.
Alicia: What will you do?
Lisa: Oh.... Maybe a bit of shredding and burning.
Hugh Jr: Okay... But what about Darcy?
Lisa: We will come to her house for dinner to see our plan unfold.
Moments later, it was dinner and Lisa and her kids went to Darcy's house.
Lisa knocked on the door.
Darcy didn't answer.
Lisa knocked again.
Darcy still didn't answer.
Lisa: I guess this means that Darcy's sobbing it up.
They went in anyways. Sure enough, Darcy was sprawled on the couch in her pajamas crying.
Lisa turned to Hugh Jr and Alicia.
Lisa: Now this is where I convincingly play the concerned friend card.
Lisa walked over to Darcy.
Lisa: Darcy... What's wrong?
Darcy: S-s-s-something g-g-got s-s-s-stolen!!
Darcy: M-m-my g-g-g-g-giraffe t-t-t-toy!
Lisa: Your giraffe toy?
Darcy: Yeah. Have you seen who stole it?
Lisa: No, but it's bound to turn up.
Darcy cried some more.
Darcy: You're such a good friend. I need some time. Maybe a while. I'm a wreck without Raffo!!
Lisa hugged Darcy and smiled at Hugh Jr and Alicia.
Lisa: It's okay. Now I must go.
Darcy: But what about dinner? I thought you would stay since...
Darcy cried some more.
Darcy: I HAVE NO ONE!!
Lisa: I would LOVE to... But Hugh Jr, Alicia, and I were going to go to Burpin Burger...
Darcy: Can I come with you guys?
Lisa: Sorry... No room. Bye!
Darcy lied down and cried some more.
Lisa, Hugh Jr and Alicia left.
Lisa: You could learn from your mommy. If you don't like someone, make them suffer. Just weaken them till they have nothing in them left but misery.
Hugh Jr: That actually was pretty fun.
Alicia: Yep. And my guilt's gone!
Lisa: See? Why, before you know it, you'll be just as unfeeling as me!